Nisht tzniyus kinderlach!

BS"D

11:am truly woke me up.
well for a little bit.
sundy allways tuggs at me why aren't i alert

rabbi paltiel teaching a maamar at chabad central
explaining how all the maamarim are actually all
from the alter rebbe, then suddenly something
made him press that stop recording button and
started registering this in my brain.

the benches on the third shul were all occupied
by hungry crown heights women and shluchos from all
over who came in town for the kinus
the benches by the rebbe's room were quiet empty
with the motion of his hands rabbi paltiel does
welcome ppl to come and sit in that area
BUT not just anywhere...

oh here they come
oops here they sat down
on the middle bench right behind him
not so far away and much more closer than
the rabbi liked
oh here he goes:
nisht tzniyus kinderlach!
you should be afraid of a man
granted you will marry one;
he steps away from them as the girls finally rearranged
themselves while the rabbi continued saying how
these thing should be instinctive in our part.
then he brought it down in a not so serious fashion
making a statement how he is indeed afraid of women...
as all probably know rabbi paltiel is very animated
when he speaks and very passionate especially this
day as he was saying those yiddish words.

it just made me think
how comfortable are we when it comes to tzniyus?
how comfortable are we with tzniyus?
am i so comfortable that i don't even blush when i
am in such vicinity of a chareidi man?
a man?
am i so comfortable that vicinity is not a big deal?
(and i am not talking about rush hour on the 3 train.)

.....
midnight i walked home on crown street, a cop apparently
stationed around that area for the kinus walking toward
my way, almost scary looking he was mamash bundled up
all the way. but i kept my head lowered and he said
something to me, through his ski mask cap sounded like-hello-
it's not a brainer really
but what rabbi paltiel said rang so sweet in my ears

Shabbat Shira

BS"D

sing through life
despite
what you may perceive aint right
day and night
trapped in a vision blurred by the sight
of what the world says is right
can't move but you wanna fight
heavy sigh
pushing away the few rays of light
left and right
with all my might
i raise these fists
shatter the cold fright
fragments rearranging
intriguing me to write
make it right!
tune in to the sound of life
or melody
with these notes high and low
ancient song
rushing through these veins of mine
searching to find
as i
exercise my soul
reminding me of something old
yeah watch me grow
as i spread my wings
to the
depths of my core
watch me soar
with this niggun so whole
or holy
worldess chant can
reveal that which words cant
yes you can
breake down the wall
you see life for me is a flow
even that stroll
can elevate the cold
and mold the concrete floor
thats why the neshama made that journey for
down here to transform
the noise into song
my music sheet is the blueprint of the world
but even more
than what i am hungry for
is to
praise the L-rd as i feed another soul
love is not a one size fits all
may our tfilla soar
lift it up
lift it up
lift it up
yeah thanks mat for that
even when the notes are low
i must know
One who holds me down
at all times
Ribbono Shel Olam

Poetry in Motion

BS"D

like the black letters staring back
i attack
as i write
trying to clear the mind despite
heavy fog resting taking its time
i rewind trying to unwind
all the while sweet music creeping in
as i peep,
tzit tzit so discreet
please sit down you may have a seat
wish i can sing so sweet
but it is neat the way the words are
intertwined so deep
going back to the roots
pushing through the thick concrete
breaking through
i am trying to
oh yeah i forgot about the discreet
question
taking me by surprise
while i am being analyzed
at that time
my mind found rest on the face
hunting me from behind
all the time,
couldn't figure out why
would he say hi
on this crowded train
is he allright?
as i blush try to respond and stay
calm whith that image still in my mind
why at this time would you appear
is it not clear?
mazal tov does not belong here
though it is something i hold dear
still not following what is happening here
nor do i care
i declare
Yulia is not my name
interruption by the moving train
wishing i had a sefer to hide away
but you got off and that was all
until you greeted me with another hello!
hiding again by the books
much time passed not the same
diving in the sea of pain
heavy fog still lingering as you
brought up
something else?
how we met?
i forget
your name is zev?
nice to meet ya
give you props for being so
nonchalant
perhaps i will see you around
though not for me,
Hashem has big plans don't you see?
it must have been the new coat on me
pardon me
as i retreat
fingers going through the volumes to read
wishing this splitting ache would recede
as this journey continues for me
who knows what the next stop will be
please G-d
let it be
as we are all parked in 770
and all over
standing tall
but not thanks to me
singing loud
we want Moshiach now!

Mazal Tov to Mazal Tov

BS"D

eastern parkway welcomed me with the most moving
chasidishe melody recognized almost immediately as
i was leaving the subway stairs leaving with it behind
the monotone 9-5, emerging out into the night life
of crown heights.

ah, that niggun
there is something about that niggun
different pulse beating here
beating within

though i was freezing cold, did not want to detach
myself from the chupa. as we heard the mazal tov
the chassidim just burst into a dance.

night life of crown heights
different rhythm beating here
stirring something within as i'm watching the tzitzit
flying, thinking how there is just something out of this
world by seeing a chasid dance.

kingston av greeted me with a british accent complimets
of mr. yonatan:

did you like it?

um, did i like what?

the chupa!

oh, yea it was beautiful (yonatan is our sound guy in ch)

did you find another one?

(no ums on this one) no, not yet. (yonatan went up to
this bochur i liked and just asked his name since i really
really wanted to know...long story)

well, hurry up and find another one so i can make
a chupa for you too!

Bezrat Hashem.

carried those words with me to crown street
smiling,
there are some very good souls here that somehow
care about me, and that love is truly humbling.

getting ready for the chasana

feeling something different

as if it is my wedding i am getting ready for

even my walk was different, like a dance

it must be the kedusha from oholei torah

president street
encounter with the familiar, again
recognized him, right away, cannot comprehend
even in the dark, even across the street, even then
and my heart just ached
but i straightened by back
and lowered my head
and i am just saying - Mazal Tov

maariv in 770
feeling something different
or it was more of a knowing
that i am mamash benched
knowing, one day this will be me

oholei torah
the kallah simply radiant
ah, i know where the kedusha waves came from
my first wedding actually
danced all night
just didnt want to stop

then almost instinctively
i desired to watch the chassidim dance
grabbed the hand of my south african friend
telling her let's go and have a look
standing by the corner slightly hiding
shy'ly behind the mechitza
encounter with the familiar
my hands were almost trembling
my heart felt like it was buzzing
and i am just saying - Mazal Tov

so i grabbed my friends hands
south africa and the balkan beat box
going for a spin

shaking of south africa
once and again
with my back erect
and my head held high
dancing to the rythm of

freedom....

Rosh Chodesh, Pharaoh & Mayonnaise

BS"D

what happens when you try to mix oil
and vinegar together?
not a lot of action huh?
but when you throw an egg into the mix?
we see how this element fuses these
seemingly opposite ingredients.

.........
Bo

HaShem tells moshe,

come, not go

but come with ME to pharaoh

it wasn't about confronting pharaoh

but Bo

come inside,

enter,

room after room,

penetrate the inner essence of the thing
..........

excuse me are you jewish?
chabad classic eh?
equiped with lchaims and shabbat candels we
just slide in, mixing right in into someone
elses life just like that...

ah, its the mayo.....

Basi Legani

BS"D

shabbat mevarchim

benching the month of shvat

erev shabbat with no time

i took the liberty to bend it

to shtretch it

to do what i want with it

ivrit tells me hour/sha-ah means to bend

you hear that time?

i am having fun with the ivrit!

no tic tac on my clock

it's not a weekend for me you see

it's erev shabbat

it must be all that freedom talk in the air

met an inspiring girl at the lermans shabbat table

reminded me very much of me

she was a diving teacher for the israeli soldiers

diving within seeking for the spiritual pearls

an entire new world lay hidden within those depths

a special set of tools and equipment is needed for

such exploration for breathing in the spirit of life

those tools and equipment are

the Torah we learn

the acts of kidness we do

the tfilla we daven

she had a name of a fish that likes to swim by the corals

and this fish brought with her the sweet taste of

Hashgacha Pratit!

i love that israeli accent btw

so we swam away to a lecture by rabbi jacobson

i would tell you the time

but well you know

swimming away with the waves of Hashgacha Pratit

all the way to the frierdiker rebbe

and a picture was painted for us very masterfully as

only rabbi y.y.jacobson can

jewish history he continues is very long

the frierdiker rebbe lived in the time when two ppl in the world

managed to eliminate an unimaginable number of yidden

btwn the stalin and hitler

there was plenty of spilled red paint in this canvas

everywhere

and it's mixing

with these heavy black long charcoal strokes

and it's mixing more, and its turning color

and it's starting to spill over and drip

by drip

by drip

hey watch my shoes!

not on my shoes!

and the whole world

just steps back

well you know how much shoes cost?

right?

but whait there is something else here

Basi Legani

ah, finally a garden

thank G-d

we learn in parasha bereishit on the last pasuk
of the passing of Yosef HaTzadik, as he gets buried
and placed in the casket, of these words we utter
chazak! chazak! venischazeik!

?

the previous rebbe who lived through such terrible
times, that one would think he would be a much
depressed person, yet he leaves with us

Basi Legani

that this world is an orchard

a garden

full with life, and color and it smells, and it's lush

and it's alive, and it's good, because the world that

the Abishter created is inherently good

it is His garden

rabbi jacobson went to speak to a school somewhere
where a different sect of chassidim lived, and asked
the teachers what their vision, goal was
after hearing this and that answer, the principal
finally gets her turn and says the following::
when i look at one of my students, i want them to
take this shalhevet, this flame that they have
and go and light and influence the world.

Basi Legani

and we swam some more all the way to an empire farbrengen

and took with us Basi Legani

and the girls listening where very gratefull.

**************************************************************
hope i am not diminishing the power of this maamar
by the pshat written above. once i collect my thougths
and do mental comparisons with the souls that were there
i can perhaps make proper adjustments, and perhaps by
Hashagacha Pratis get to see the rabbi again.
***************************************************************

Men are waffle, Women are spaghetti

BS"D

even after putting syrup on top of the
waffle, it will stay put in that one box
no interaction with the other boxes.

when you digg into the spaghetti
well, there is no such thing as one string
it is all intertwined,interconnected,
one huge massive ball of constant energy and
multitasking a superhighway windows program
that even bill gates hasn't come up with.

well, that's because he is a waffle.

this was one of the highlights from last nights
nightlife with rabbi y.y.jacobson on the topic:
how do you know he is the one and the all so
known cliche that man and women truly are different.

but you haven't heard it quiet like this.

man's brain is like a box.
well, its more like the locker room in the gym
or like rows of file cabinets that must
not touch each other at any circumstance.
a man has a draw for the car, for the leak in
the bathroom, for the mouse in the kitchen,
for the plumber, for the mortgage, for the bills,
each in its own box.
remember the boxes may not touch each other.
when a man needs to open the car drawer, he goes
to that file cabinet, opens it, stands there,
looks it over, analyzes it, then puts the file
back,closes the drawer and walks away.

then he meets us.
the spaghetti.
where there is no such thing as one string not
touching another.
so the woman goes to the man and starts telling
him all that needs to be done and needs to be
taken care of. so she says she is hungry, so
the man goes to the drawer for food and pulls
out the file,then the woman continues about the
leak that must be fixed, so the man has to walk
back to the plumber drawer and open that file,
and what? ah, call the landlord, and pick up
the clothes at the cleaners, and...you get the point.
poor guy is opening all these drawers and simply
cannot handle it all, because well, you can only
open so many drawers at one time.
next thing you know folders are flying all over,
and he is getting all nervous and overwhelmed,
like when you have all these programs open on the
computer at the same time and just freezes
at one point, cause it's too much system overload
and then it just

shuts down.

there is one drawer that the man likes to go to
and guess what's there?

nothing.

thats his favorite drawer.

so rabbi jacobson brought it down how really men
and women are not the same, and a woman should not
think that when she hangs out with the girlfriends
is the same bonding as with her husband.
your husband is not your girlfriend.
us girls like to share and talk and open up and
tend to be emotional a bit,like to empathize, and
what is bothering you honey? with a mamacita is ok.
but with a man, well if you ask him you will most
likely find him in his favorite draw, and he
will tell you

it's nothing.

that's because it is nothing.

really, my favorite point that he said, besides the
above, going back to the topic-how do you know he is
the one - answer

it's a neshama thing.

ah, a neshama thing.

then he said something that simply made me smile.

shulchan aruch says that when a man and a woman
are in the same room, that in itself is romance.
when a woman is in nidda she may not even put a
plate of food on the table for her husband,
because that act is considered intimate.
there is something very innocent about the
laws that the shulchan aruch has that is truly
refreshing. mamash rejewenating.

Chof Daled Teves

BS"D

bismilahi rrahmani rahim

the tilted oversized green square card held by a slightly
opened swiss chocolate magnet on my sisters refrigirator
writen with these words in gold decorated with the star and
moon on all the corners was staring back at me.

oh, it's a bris anouncement.
or what they call it-synet.
well the albo slang at least.
but this time they used some fancy arabic-sunderylluk.
maybe? (help me out tzip)
wow, since when did albos become so muslim.

few centimiters away, a laughing budda sitting there
comortably, zenly despite the unevenly chopped nose
(mainly thanks to mua trying to nullify an idol)
that made it all the way from the land of the cartoons
and animations and the martial arts, brought to this
fridge business class by my lovely sister purely becuase
to her it means-good luck.

talk about confusion.
thank G-d He got me out of this mess.

thats just the fridge.
lets not get into the walls.

those freshly painted walls carrying the weights of
massive detailed dark chocolate wooden frames ellaborately
shaped into organic designs decorated within with expensive
brush strokes trapping a lavished scene portraying mainly some
european adriatic french scene evoking in the viewer
some melancholic response
and guess what's always in the background?

a church.

talk about confusion.
thank the Abishter for He got me out of this mess.

but that's just the walls.
lets not talk about my father.

hasn't given up yet, with the numerous requests
about
why i WONT eat from his kitchen and the fancy ten
hour meals he prepares daily, granted with pure enjoyement
touched and spiced with all the right ingredients taken
from the most recent cooks books and emeryl tv shows
and the sixty dollar champagne bottle my sister bought
for the new years celebration, not to mention the fact that
I did not partake of that annual family fesitivity.
what can i say--shana tova.


but that is just the food.
that is just my father.
you don't wanna mess with my mom.

and the drama continues, and the tears came free with this program
why
why
one day you will return to me
one day i will have you near me
ok.
ok?
just to make me happy...

sefer tanya being held by my hands, perek gimmel wanting to read me
looking at my mom,
what are you taking about?
i am not dead you know?
i am right here.

ah, but it does not matter to them.
even if i am here
even if i am present
what i desire
what is best for my neshama
it does not count
unless it is according to what they want me to be
unless it is according to what they are

i can't find my yellow notes from rabbi jacobsons shiur
so i will say this in a nutshell

there was so much oppression from the few hours in that
house and the load from what was not said and dafka from
what should have been verbalized. i could not breathe.

words of chassidus always on the rescue. to be free
does not mean you use your power to subjugate another
Torah teaches us that one is free when one recognizes
the power of one's neshama and makes the other
soul shine, he lifts the other person up. gives him or
her wings. for one to be free one has to be mamash
frustrated with the conditon that one finds himself
or herself in, that there is not secret exit.

only Hakodesh Boruch Hu can do that

with me it started two years ago
5766-gematria of teshuva m'ahava
return out of love
for were i was, i was mamash drowning
fading away and blending with the walls and the frames
being trapped in this fake scene that simply was not my home,
frigid and insesitive to the numb pain and suffering of my
own self caused and inflicted by those around me

me
wanting
to
brake
free

as my friend sings::
take the G-dly rays brake away the chains...

how is one inspired,
how one is in tune,
experiences one's soul
and taps into the veins of life
and is alive

is via Torah & Mitzvos
through learning, teaching, internalizing
chassidus
for when one engages in it, like the teshuva
of nissan, the month when the yidden became
a nation
makes one appear after having disappeared.

as my friend cotinues to sing:
Torah vibes internalize 'bound to be allright
and through this special friend who allowed
me to grow my chochma bina daas wings and soar
i am here
mamash benched
batya shalhevet

Erev Chof Daled Teves

BS"D

4pm
leaving the shul, had just finished mincha
still with some foreign taste in my heart

walking down kingston, hear someone calling
my non hebrew name with a very good accent

bujare (not bad pronounciation...)

this kid named amos whom i met via some
very enthusiastic russian lady around the block.
kingston av has some very interesting stories

watsup? (didn't know if it was ok do do that)

but i kept walking and thank G-d my girl Rina
stops and walks with me, she likes my new haircut,
yeah i tell her it's very liberating

oh yeah my buddy amos

so he tells me he is in a jam and needs some
cash, he wil get some money later , but just
for now, he neeeds 20.

aha, 20.
whats with you? are you ok? are you learning?

he is depressed he tells me, he is going through
something, he doesn't know how to get out of it.

are you going to be allright i ask him?

yeah, yeah...

ok, i go to sunshine, pull out cash, i come out
he is acting all suspect, hand him the funds
and say - you dont have to give me back anything
just take care of yourself please.

do u think u can give me 40?

!!!!(oh something aint right, on hell no...)

that is all i have. goodbye.

7pm
empire grill- eating with my girl iris.
feeling nesaus.
what was it? too much coke? the meat?

we finish eating we were meant to go have
coffee and just hang out until rabbi
paltiel's shiur later on.

somehow i ended up in a therapy session with
some crown heights women.

i am sure its a lovely project.
but not for me.

they turn to me and ask me to introduce
myself and say something positive that
happened to me today.

so i tell them, the brocha is that i came
back to yiddishkeit.
that i became free.

great.

then it started to become weird.

my stomack was turning, oh, i guess that food
stuff isn't agreeing. so i get up - politely that is
in the middle of the session and bounced.

walking home
red light
crown street
busy corner somehow
oh yeah the vort
and the bar mitzva

and amos?
he's talking to someone in the car
he sees me, it looks like he wants to come to me
i turned my head away, ignoring him
he walks away

(oh this kid better not be behind me..)

reach my house
phone rings
my lovely rabbi
and the poem goes::

batya, who is this kid u give money too?
uhm, what? you are next to whom?

no, who is this guy you gave money to - and you
dont even ask me first?
and now again he was with you on crown?

with me again? oh hold up rabbi man-
first of all, i know him from around here for
a year now, he never asked me for anything
he would tell me how low his life was
and how he was bored. never asked for a dime.
this time he did, and i though he was mamash low
so i gave him.

how much?

20.

listen to me batya. stay away from these boys
they are dangerous, they are low lives, they
want to milk ppl for cash, they re no good.
stay away.

fine. thanks for caring rabbi, dont you
worry i aint giving him a thing. not again.
since u know everything mr.satelite system rabbi
tell me whose lchaim is tonight?

nu? it was not meant to me batya. how old is he again?

lucky for my rabbi he was talking to me over the phone.

9pm
walking to the shiur carrying my hatzala chocolate box
(long story you don't want to know)

midnight
encounter on crown - with the familiar
with the mazal tov post below

and...

amos?
na...

-------
there is a well know teaching in chassidus that
says that the Ribonno Shel Olam brings words and
episodes to our attention, that we should derive
a lesson from. dont know what the hora'ah from this
is, (oh you mean why i gave him money to begin with?)
they tell us we are meant to live with the times
hm, let's see what the parasha is telling me.

Mazal Tov

BS"D

after the shiur

went to 770 to say maariv

how foreign i thought

this feeling

not to be able to look down and see

see the familiar in the map of the world

atlas of the neshama

but i do see

heading home down albany

i'm a block away from crown

they tell me that's where the vort was

see something familiar standing out

just want to get closer,

but i can't

that's the pain

that's what's foreign

not to be able to see something familiar in him

anymore

because that's how it was

that's how he impressed me

so i lowered my hat

straightened my back and

kept walking...

younger sista's deep soul words

echoing in my mind...

....knowing that someone isn't

going to be mine....

....lchaim velivracha.