Chof Daled Teves

BS"D

bismilahi rrahmani rahim

the tilted oversized green square card held by a slightly
opened swiss chocolate magnet on my sisters refrigirator
writen with these words in gold decorated with the star and
moon on all the corners was staring back at me.

oh, it's a bris anouncement.
or what they call it-synet.
well the albo slang at least.
but this time they used some fancy arabic-sunderylluk.
maybe? (help me out tzip)
wow, since when did albos become so muslim.

few centimiters away, a laughing budda sitting there
comortably, zenly despite the unevenly chopped nose
(mainly thanks to mua trying to nullify an idol)
that made it all the way from the land of the cartoons
and animations and the martial arts, brought to this
fridge business class by my lovely sister purely becuase
to her it means-good luck.

talk about confusion.
thank G-d He got me out of this mess.

thats just the fridge.
lets not get into the walls.

those freshly painted walls carrying the weights of
massive detailed dark chocolate wooden frames ellaborately
shaped into organic designs decorated within with expensive
brush strokes trapping a lavished scene portraying mainly some
european adriatic french scene evoking in the viewer
some melancholic response
and guess what's always in the background?

a church.

talk about confusion.
thank the Abishter for He got me out of this mess.

but that's just the walls.
lets not talk about my father.

hasn't given up yet, with the numerous requests
about
why i WONT eat from his kitchen and the fancy ten
hour meals he prepares daily, granted with pure enjoyement
touched and spiced with all the right ingredients taken
from the most recent cooks books and emeryl tv shows
and the sixty dollar champagne bottle my sister bought
for the new years celebration, not to mention the fact that
I did not partake of that annual family fesitivity.
what can i say--shana tova.


but that is just the food.
that is just my father.
you don't wanna mess with my mom.

and the drama continues, and the tears came free with this program
why
why
one day you will return to me
one day i will have you near me
ok.
ok?
just to make me happy...

sefer tanya being held by my hands, perek gimmel wanting to read me
looking at my mom,
what are you taking about?
i am not dead you know?
i am right here.

ah, but it does not matter to them.
even if i am here
even if i am present
what i desire
what is best for my neshama
it does not count
unless it is according to what they want me to be
unless it is according to what they are

i can't find my yellow notes from rabbi jacobsons shiur
so i will say this in a nutshell

there was so much oppression from the few hours in that
house and the load from what was not said and dafka from
what should have been verbalized. i could not breathe.

words of chassidus always on the rescue. to be free
does not mean you use your power to subjugate another
Torah teaches us that one is free when one recognizes
the power of one's neshama and makes the other
soul shine, he lifts the other person up. gives him or
her wings. for one to be free one has to be mamash
frustrated with the conditon that one finds himself
or herself in, that there is not secret exit.

only Hakodesh Boruch Hu can do that

with me it started two years ago
5766-gematria of teshuva m'ahava
return out of love
for were i was, i was mamash drowning
fading away and blending with the walls and the frames
being trapped in this fake scene that simply was not my home,
frigid and insesitive to the numb pain and suffering of my
own self caused and inflicted by those around me

me
wanting
to
brake
free

as my friend sings::
take the G-dly rays brake away the chains...

how is one inspired,
how one is in tune,
experiences one's soul
and taps into the veins of life
and is alive

is via Torah & Mitzvos
through learning, teaching, internalizing
chassidus
for when one engages in it, like the teshuva
of nissan, the month when the yidden became
a nation
makes one appear after having disappeared.

as my friend cotinues to sing:
Torah vibes internalize 'bound to be allright
and through this special friend who allowed
me to grow my chochma bina daas wings and soar
i am here
mamash benched
batya shalhevet